Friday, May 6, 2011

Just the Facts with Shiela Stewart!

I must confess, this blog date totally slipped my mind. Normally I add everything I have going on to my calendar with reminders as to when I need to have them done by. I’m not usually scatter brained. I tend to plan things out and make sure I have everything worked out well before the deadline.  But for some reason, this one just slipped past my usual preparedness.  If I hadn’t decided to clean out my in and outbox today, I wouldn’t have known about the blog spot until it was too late. So here I am, scrambling with what to write about. So…I decided to talk to you all about what I have learned in my 40 some years.  Hope you all enjoy it, have a laugh at my expense, and maybe come out of with a bit of incite.
Sit back and enjoy!

Things I have learned in my life so far.

Throwing a cat on my older brother’s bare back may be funny as you throw the cat. Hearing your brother screaming might also give a chuckle. Being pulled over my father’s knee and spanked for my misdeed, not worth the chuckle.

Trying to find out if my knees would fit between the slats of a fence, not such a good idea. Picking splinters out of my skin for days is a little uncomfortable.

Chasing chickens might seem fun, until one pecks you in the legs. Trust me, I know this first hand.

Pretending to be sick so I didn’t have to go to school seemed like a good idea, until the rest of my siblings got McDonalds and I had to eat hot chicken noodle soup.

Locking a cat in a room might not be a bad idea, unless that cat is claustrophobic and goes ballistic on you. Oh, did I forget that this cat had extra toes in the front and back paws. I kid you not. Being scratched by mega paws hurts like hell.

I’ve learned not to trust anyone. Having my brother hide under my bed and grab my feet as I turn the lights out and head to my bed might be the reason why. But do you think I learned. Hell no. Every night was the same thing. Damn brothers!
I learned that a closet door that is slightly ajar when you know for a fact you closed it earlier should be a warning sign that big brother is up to his old tricks again. Do not open that door. Hidden inside is a glowing skull head, which will give you nightmares for weeks.

Though hiding in room with the lights out and making mooing sounds to scare people walking by makes you laugh hysterically. Being chastised by parents and grounded is not so fun.

Telling ghost stories to eight year olds is a hoot, until they run screaming from the room and tattle on you which in turn ends up getting me in trouble not only with my parents but the eight year olds parent's as well..

Throwing a cup of water on my big brother is a hoot, until he chase after me with a water hose.

Passing out in a department store should be a passing thing, forgotten, unless your family members bring it up time and time again, making fun of me for passing out. Yeah, nice huh?

I learned telling someone you are afraid of something or that a piece of music that makes you cry only encourages them to throw it in your face for years.

I learned that placing my wallet with three months of wages inside on the top of the car as you put the kids in car seats is a bad idea. Especially when you drive away and forget its still on the roof of the car.

I learned that playing with a big black lab in the yard while she is tied to a post in the ground will only lead to pain. Being taken out at the knees and falling flat on my back, hard, causes bruised ribs and muscles. 
It doesn’t matter how beautiful or sexy those high heels are, or how they accentuate your legs. Wearing them on icy sidewalks is tantamount to wearing stilts on a tightrope. Bad bad idea.

Playing with a straw, swirling it in your mouth, sliding your lips up and down is not an innocent act at avoiding boredom. Men tend to find it sexy and proposition you despite you having no idea why. 

Agreeing to go on a roller coaster to shut your friends up will only lead to vomiting in their pants.  I warned you!

Never throw a punch unless you are prepared for the pain. Ouch!

Drinking coke laced with hot sauce as a dare is just fine, until it comes back up. Hot acid, not so pleasant as it spews from your throat.

And finally….Never procrastinate. It will only come back and bite you in the ass.


Maureen said...

Seems pretty clear the one of the big lessons you're imparting is this...leave the cats out of it.

Good thing my bro was ten years older than me and not at all interested in torturing me at all...

Barbara Elsborg said...

Oh Shiela, you're just like me. You clearly never learn! Very entertaining post - schadenfreud rules!!!
I have no idea if I spelt that right but it sounds good.

Wendy Burke said...

Shiela - you're a modern day Thomas Paine...a great deal of 'Common Sense!' Excellent!

Valerie Mann said...

I cracked up the whole time I was posting this. The visuals I kept getting were so much fun!

kathleen said...

Well, you managed to come up with a fun post, Shiela! You work great under pressure.

My desk has scraps of paper with to do lists all around it. I can't get it together either. lol

Shiela Stewart said...

Hi Maureen!
I've always been a cat person, but I have learned they are dnagerous when not used properly. LOL
I have three older brothers. The one in particular is three years older than me and loved making my life hell.

Barbara, great to see you!

I may not have learned but I managed to make something useful out of it. Writing. :)

Hey Wendy!
Glad you enjoyed the post. :)

Hi Valerie!!

I figured what's the point to life if you can't look back and have a chuckle. LOL Thanks for posting this. :)

Hi Kathleen!

Oh I definitely work great under pressure. Always have. Sometimes I do my best work under pressure. :)

Author Leanne Dyck said...

Thanks for adding humour to my Friday.
Have you tried writing horror--one way of putting those years of nightmares to use. : )

Shiela Stewart said...

Hi Leanne!

There is horror in little bits and pieces in my paranormal stories. I have a few things i wrote a while back that that would scare the pants off of a person. Might revisit them sometime. :)