Monday, August 29, 2011

Sex in the Real World



by Katie Harper

I recently finished reading the latest release from a bestselling author. If you’re a fan of this author or read the book you’ll recognize this scene. The hero and heroine are running for their lives from the worst plague of locusts this side of a Charlton Heston movie.  They see an automatic car wash and pull their car in. They chat for a bit. He passes her a note that says, “Do you like me? Check yes or no.” She checks yes. They have sex. OK, the note part is me editorializing, but you get the gist. They have amazing mind blowing sex, in this. 

Yup, she manages to shimmy out of her skin tight jeans and climb on top of him in the driver’s seat of that car. All while being attacked by a supernatural infestation of bugs. Maybe you’ve never tried it, but this is a very difficult maneuver. You have a gear shift, a steering wheel, and his protruding…leg to deal with. This is not something that should be attempted at home. It will only end in tears.


Encounters like this are common in the romance novel. A couple will get it on anywhere and everywhere. On the beach, in a dressing room, up a tree, in the back of a police car, in the middle of a nuclear holocaust. If there’s a page to spare it will be filled with the impossible. Have you ever actually tried to have sex on a beach? Let me tell you, that movie From Here to Eternity lied!! It is not all passion and crashing waves. It’s sand in places you don’t want to think about. It’s a body covered in hydrocortisone cream because the sand over-exfoliated your entire body. It’s coughing and sputtering because you were nearly drowned by a rogue wave. It is not Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr. It’s two drowned rats hoping that no one has a video phone and access to YouTube.

I ask the question I’ve asked before on this blog, why do we read this stuff if it is so far from anything remotely resembling reality? The answer is the same, because we don’t want reality. We live with reality every single day of our lives. We live our vanilla lives going to work, taking care of kids, and arguing with our spouse over who left the cap to the toothpaste off. We’re sick of half-melted vanilla. We want double chocolate chunk with whipped cream, nuts, and a banana. Especially if that sundae is served up by a tanned hard body with eighteen inch arms and tight pants. Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to hit the book store and the Ben and Jerry’s case at Wal-Mart.



12 comments:

Ann Mayburn said...

I can vouch that sex in a sports car is really, really uncomfortable. :P And I hear you on the beach sex! I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks of those things when I read scenes like that. I have to kick my suspension of disbelief into overdrive. ;)

Maureen said...

I love the idea of sex outdoors, but ... bugs. Mosquitoes if nothing else...and ants.

But imagining it? It's a fairy tale, soft grass, no tree roots or rocks, no buzzing bugs, no creepy crawlies. Just sun, fresh air and blooming flowers.

Without bees.

Katie Harper said...

I love to read outdoor and adventurous escapades. I think they make a story interesting and fun. I read a book once where the h/h were about to get busy by a lake and just as everything was about to start happening, she rolls over and he sees she's covered in leeches. I love stuff like that! I love when an author doesn't take sex serious.

Maureen said...

Leeches?! OMG, another reason why fantasy sex outdoors is loverlee...wait, you said this was in a book?

Can't even enjoy it in a book?

Though I admit, I'd probably write an outdoor scene where something untoward happens. I had a couple get too amorous in a pirate story and they were reported to the authorities for it...that was fun!

For Your Eyes Only~Author Lani Rhea said...

This was great, Katie! Loved it! Sex in a car is so very hard. LOL In the woods with rocks poking your back hurts. Thanks for sharing with us today.

Fabian Black said...

Lust would be the last thing on my mind if locusts were in the vicinity. I hate those things, they make me want to puke or faint, or both. But then I'm not a hero or heroine in a book and that's why we love them, because they can do what we can never do - such as have energetic sex on a carpet without sustaining nasty burns, and in novels no one ever suffers, ahem, embarrassing body noises during the act. ;-)

Libby.

Liz said...

well, sex in a beer cooler on the other hand CAN be done....(vouching for it). great post! It's why we and write romance, no? so we CAN have sex on a beach, in a sports car, on a sinking pirate ship, on the carpet and covered in leeches!
liz

Benjamin Tiberius Russell said...

Katie, everyone knows that reality is over-rated. You nailed it - in romance novels all the women are drop dead gorgeous, nubile virgins with hearts of gold and naughty imaginations that would peel paint. Perfect - Hmmmm, excuse me, I have a nubile virgin waiting for me. Great Blog Post.

Bonni S. said...

This was a great piece Katie. I've tried the sex on the beach and it was nasty. I had to wash the sand off and order another drink. LOL! But yes you nailed it hon.

JM Kelley said...

LOL. Fabulous post, Katie!

Barbara Elsborg said...

Yes, we all know the truth and yet we still want it to be different. That sand doesn't get everywhere, that the gear stick doesn't get into that one part you don't want it to,that the cinema patrons won't turn round and see what you're up to in the back row - or if you're into voyeurism - that they WILL turn round. I have to dream to keep insanity at bay.

Dominique Eastwick said...

Great Blog Katie, and your right we dont want reality we want to escape from it :)