Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Android problem #1 - Keeping Track of Your Penis

by Eva Lefoy

I love Red Dwarf, the BBC space comedy and have been a fan for many years (back when I used to buy cable TV). Ah, the good old days. I’ve watched it so much that each character has at one time or another been a favorite: Cat, Lister, Rimmer and the android, Kryton. Each have their own plusses and minuses. Cat has coolness, Lister has…well he’s human, Rimmer is hilarious, I happen to think Chris Barrie has near-perfect comedic timing, and Kryton has, in addition to his many handy cleaning abilities, a detachable penis.
Yes, I said detachable penis. 
I know, you’re probably still gaga over his love of doing laundry – what lady wouldn’t like a guy with a passion for cleaning?  - and also his exploding, but conveniently replaceable head, but consider for a moment his penis. 
In Series VII the episodes Pete I and II, are the first time we see “Archie,” Kryton’s detachable penis. It runs away from Kryton and ends up underneath the bunks. He and female crewmember Kochanski try to capture it, but it escapes. Kochanski tells Kryton that now he’s just like a “real” man, since he has absolutely no control over his penis! 
Which makes Kryton one very happy android… 
In Download My Love, I couldn’t help giving our hero, android Agent Everett, a detachable penis. No, it doesn’t run away, but it’s awfully handy at times for the heroine, Samantha. Luckily, the unit is fully operational when not attached, and appears to have a long battery life. Samantha rather likes it, and I hope you do too!

Security Core agent Everett is assigned a special case—protect the daughter of Simon Gold, the father of modern mechanoid life. To ensure her survival, Everett’s given a special EMO upgrade, and can experience love for the first time. He’s soon head over heels and the super-charged sexual attraction threatens to fry his circuits while he fights to stay one step ahead of the bad guys.
Samantha Gold detests her father’s work. She’s an off-the-grid back-to-lander who wants to keep life simple with her cows and her crops. When her father dies and inadvertently transfers a secret code to a hidden receptor in her brain, it’s only android Agent Everett who can protect her. Can she ever forgive her father for creating Everett—a man so perfect for her that he even loves her cows?

She raised a hand and touched her lips. They still tingled from Everett’s strangely possessive kiss. Why had he kissed her? And why were his lips so pliant and warm? Weren’t robots supposed to be stiff and cold? But his lips weren’t. They’d heated her insides to the melting point in the few seconds they’d touched mouths. His arms were warm, too. They’d held her securely when she began to faint and she’d been grateful for their protection at the time. Now she didn’t know what to think.
She lay on her back and stared at the ceiling. Nothing about this day made sense. She wished to be home in her simple hut with her cows and her vegetables where she belonged. The life she had chosen to make a point to her father that humans were meant to live off the land. After the coming technology collapse, which she believed would happen regardless of what her father and his cronies said, humans would need to go back to the old ways and she’d be ready to help them along. Unless the bad guys killed her today.
Shivering, she wrapped her arms around herself and curled into a ball on top of the covers. Everett had suggested she get some sleep. The hell. She was way too freaked out, stressed, and wound up for sleep to happen. But Everett’s plan of course made sense. They’d be on the run in the morning wouldn’t they? She forced herself up.
“Maybe I can find something to help me sleep.” She wandered into the adjacent bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet expecting to find a sleeping aid. Instead, she found a dildo. “What the…?”
There it stood, proudly erect and alone on the shelf. Nothing else in the entire cabinet. Weird. What’s it doing here? She glanced behind her, though nobody was there watching. Seeing the thing sitting there all by itself made her a teensy bit uncomfortable. Had the thing been used?
She shook her head. I must be way too sheltered. Living on the farm has isolated me from modern man. Perhaps this is what normal citizens did to relax and she needed to follow the crowd on this one. She captured her bottom lip with her top teeth and puzzled. Well…she’d heard orgasms had relaxing properties, and her lips were still tingling from Everett’s kiss. Would it hurt to try?
“This is crazy. A crazy end to an awful day,” she said, taking the unit out of the cabinet and heading back to the bed. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

See what happens to Samantha and Everett as human and android come to terms with the fact they were made for each other in Download My Love, out now from Decadent Publishing!

Thanks for reading, 

Eva Lefoy writes and reads all kinds of romance, and is a certified Trekkie. She’s also terribly addicted to chocolate, tea, and hiking. One of these days, she’ll figure out the meaning of life, quit her job, and go travel the galaxy. Until then, she’s writing down all her dirty thoughts for the sake of future explorers.

Contact Eva:

No comments: