Saturday, February 18, 2012

 
by D.L. Jackson
*Pokes head in door and adjusts big cone-shaped hat.* Excusest me kind Sirs and ladies. Wouldest thou pointest me in the direction of a guild of fantasy and paranormal scribes?

*Stares for a second.* Wouldest thou have seen them? They art...
A little help here. *Sighs.* Has anyone seen a group of Fantasy writers? Anyone? Hello? Demon looking for Fantasy writers. D L told me this was the place. Just wait till I get my claws into her.

 *Grabs long hair and begins to pull it through door. Hair pulls back.* Fred! Let go. *Braces foot on door jamb.* Listen you over grown lizard, let go before I sell you to the local fried chicken restaurant and they roll you in herbs and spices, and stuff your ass in a bucket. *Wig slips off head and disappears through door.*

*BURP*

Can you believe it? That wig is gonna cost me, and I can’t begin to imagine the hairball he’s going to puke up. Godiva isn’t pretty the second time around, and those costume wigs are not cheap. It was a rental. Opens purse and glances in. Wonder if they take Hell Express? I never leave home without it. You never know when a pair of shoes are going to call your name.

Oh, where was I...?

Yeah, Fred. He’ll eat anything. You really have to keep your eye on him. I’ve been having a hard time getting my mail lately. The mail carriers keep disappearing. It’s a good thing he’s not into ‘fine dining’ or the bike couriers would be gone too. Have you gotten a look at them? There’s a lot to be said for men that bike all day. *fans self*

Then there was Mrs. Sneider’s Bichon Frise, he burped up hairballs for a week. She called the animal control officer on me. Have you ever tried to explain how your twenty-foot dragon got out of the yard and ate fluffy? And of course, she accused Fred of leaving the yard muffins all over her front lawn too. Something about flaming piles of... *Snort* I told her it was fluffy. Fred uses her rose garden in the back yard. Besides, I really don’t know how that gate got open.

*Shrugs and examines nails.*

Flipping dragons! You can’t live with them and they make too large a meal for one. Well, I can see I’m a little overdressed. You could have told me we weren’t doing the whole role-playing thing. And to think I went out of my way to do the Mid-Evil wench thingie. See this corset. Do you have any idea how tight you have to yank the stays to get the pumpkins up to your chin? Never mind. *Snaps fingers and changes to stilettos, and three-piece suit. Sits on desk and crosses legs.* That’s better. From the look of it, it was going to be hard to find someone here that would climb up my hair and rescue me anyway.

Hi, my name is Bunny. I’m a demon. *Holds finger up in the air.* Wait, I know. *Claps hands and massive tome drops on desk. Flips it open.* Dwarfish, no. Goblin...ish? *Glances up.* Hmmm. Maybe. Fairy? I know, I know. It’s not fffffairy. It’s Sidhe, or Fae. Pixies. Whatever. A fairy is a fairy and they all have attitudes. Little bastards. Have you ever seen Tinkerbell when she has PMS? TinkerHell is more like it.

*Flips page.* Wait, wait, wait. Here it is... *Clears throat.* Work with me, okay. I am multi-lingual, but slayer isn’t one of my languages. I am fluent in Southern Sucubi, though. It’s the same as Northern, just less suck. *Glances around silent room.* That was a joke. I wasn’t serious. Lighten up, would you?

Get thee back, Satan. Put your hands up and drop to your knees. No wait. Disregard that last bit. I think can from an episode of COPs. *scans pages* You have the right...

Where in heaven’s gate did that copy of the Miranda Rights come from? *Snaps book shut.* Never mind. I know. Ever play good cop, bad cop?

*Blinks eyes and stares at silent crowd.*

Okay...I see we’re a lively bunch today. They have something for that, you know. It’s called Viagr...vitamins.

Hey, put that broken beer bottle down. Yes, you in the back. *Narrows eyes* The skinny chick in the yellow...Beer wench? Hi, Liz. How’s Hans doing? *Laughs.* Oh that was a hell of a night, wasn’t it? Don’t worry, girl. Your secret’s safe with me. Anyone that knows me knows you can trust Bunny. Honestly. *pulls out a scroll* Just sign your name here on this contract and I won’t say a word. Souls are really overrated, you know.

No? *Rolls scroll up* We’ll talk later. I hear you like to negotiate, got a whole series on real estate agents, don’t you? *Eyes flare red*

Oh where was I...? Broken beer bottle. Yes. Fred’s going to have an early lunch if you don’t behave. He enjoys take-out now and again. Yeah, I know. Fast food is bad for you, clogs the arteries, but, *leans closer,* you don’t look all that fast. Still a little sluggish from one of those beer festivals you’re always traipsing around, I’ll bet. Mmmm, McWriter. A little sweet and sour sauce, maybe some beer batter and...

  Oh, there I go again, getting off topic.

  As I was saying. I’m Bunny and I’m a demon. Don’t say it, your really don’t want too. I’ll stick you with my pitchfork and roast you till crispy. Just because I look all cute, uh sexy with this tail and horns, doesn’t mean I can’t do damage. I’m the original Femme Fatale. I'm not overly fond of carrots either. Chocolate will do. I adore cookies, Devil's food cake.... *Sighs* Sorry, I start thinking about chocolate and it's all over.

So, the reason I’m here, D L Jackson has a new series coming out. About... *Lifts hand.* Wait for it...

Demons. Isn’t that just carnal?

Ooooh gets me all hot just thinking about it—not that I’m not, mind you. Now this series of Edge stories take place in a strip club called The Devil’s Den. It’s a great place to meet that someone special. No—really. I recently was out in the neighborhood, taking in the sights and stumbled into the club—quite by accident.

Really. *snorts* I know I’m no angel, but please, do I look like the den of iniquity type? Anyway, what a night. I met this hot Hell Lord. *taps fingers on desk* What was his name? Oh yes, Azael. A completely yummy hunk of incubus. You know what they say, once you go incubus....

*Eyes widen* Oh, dear. You have no clue what I’m talking about, do you. Well, there was this map going around the web that measured certain attributes of men around the world—someone posted it completely for research purposes. *coughs* She shall not be named. Anyway, I noticed the Devil’s Den was on it, and since those tour maps are kind of fun to follow and see where they take you.... Well one thing led to another and the next thing I know, I was in this club, swinging from the poles and having a great time.

Anyway, Azael and I, we really hit it off. After a few phone calls and multiple visits to his place of work, a restraining order, he agreed to go out with me on this date. A pool party.

My neighbor has a lava pool. It’s all the rage. We mingled, drank cocktails, and every now and then, we’d shove a telemarketer, banker or politician in. Don’t look at me like that. *Puts hands on hips.* I’m a demon, not an angel. You should try it sometime. Very liberating. I haven’t had that much fun since the Dark Ages.

*Glances at watch.* Damn. I’m late. I have a fitting for a wedding dress. *Claps hands together.* I can’t wait to see his face. Please don’t say anything if you see him. It’s a surprise and I really don’t want to have to hunt him down if he catches on early. It’s such a pain. Tracking them from work, following them out and harassing anybody they see. Do you know what I mean? It’s so much easier to blindside them before they know what you’re up to. Besides, I left his girlfriend, Jezebel, tied up in the cooler with the beer, and I don’t have all the time in the world. Those succubus think they’re the only ones with it going on. As you can see, she was wrong.

Thanks so much for having me over to visit. Enjoyed the chat. If you want to meet Azael, you can find him in the Devil’s Den. He’s in the Carnality Series: Carnal Desires, Carnal Attraction, and Carnal Denial. And that girlfriend of his...what was her name again?

*Rolls eyes* Not important. Gotta go.

  Ciao.

  *Vanishes in a puff of smoke*
  

6 comments:

Barbara Elsborg said...

I remember Bunny!!! Very funny, Dawn!! Congrats!

D L Jackson said...

Hi, Barbara. *waves*

Lia Davis said...

Too funny. Congrats!

Jessica Subject said...

Oh, Bunny, you are a naughty one. Although there are many telemarketers I'd love to hand over to you lately. ;)

Cate Masters said...

Ha, love Bunny! Once you go incubus... hmm, I'll have to try it with your story. :) Congrats Dawn!

VS Morgan said...

Hilarious! What a great blog!